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« Ozodi Osuji Weekly Series on Psychology 2006, #36 of 52: Life is Relationships | Main | Ozodi Osuji Weekly Series on Psychology 2006, #38 of 52: Animal Territoriality »

April 04, 2006

Ozodi Osuji Weekly Series on Psychology 2006, #37 of 52: Inter-Gender Attraction

by Ozodi Thomas Osuji, Ph.D. (Seatle, Washington) --- The topic of sex gets your interests up, right? If so, I am probably going to disappoint you. I am not going to satisfy your prurient interests. I am going to be talking about the relationship between man and woman, the attraction man and woman has for each other. I will do this explanation at non sexual level, with only passing reference to the sex thing.

Now to the obvious. Boy is fourteen years old; girl is fourteen years old. Both notice certain changes in their physiological make-ups. (You know your basic biology, so let us skip that here.)

Those changes transform them into adult humanity. They feel attracted to each other. If care is not taken to supervise them, they are probably going to mate and you know the consequences, don’t you, pregnancy and a child?

In our complex technological world, folks seldom complete their education before their mid twenties and certainly are in no financial shape to become parents. So, reasonable parents intervene and try to prevent boy and girl from mating.

(My mother used to send my little brother, Kingsley, to my room, whenever a girl came around. A particularly bright girl, now living in Oklahoma, came around rather often. She came to teach me French and Latin. Mother knew that our relationship was platonic but nevertheless did not want to take chances, she did not want any hanky panky business between us, so, in comes Kingsley, the eight year old, and he would not leave when we asked him to leave, for he had strict instruction from a higher authority than me never to leave. His order was very clear: never leave Tom alone with Grace; your life depends on it.)

Adolescents experience sexual attraction for each other and society tries to guide that attraction. Adult society knows what is good for its children and must attempt to get them to do what is good for them.

Young persons tend to see life from the immediate point of view, and want immediate gratification of pleasure. Adults have lived long enough to know that pleasure sometimes must be differed if you do not want the pain that comes with it.

Pleasure presupposes pain, they are pairs of opposites and where one is the other is. You cannot have pleasure without having pain. You cannot even conceptualize pleasure unless you can conceptualize pain. Life is a bummer, but youth does not yet know it.

Youth thinks that adults are evil and resist being told to differ gratification of their sexual desires. Conflict ensues.

Sexual attraction is built into our bodies. Young women, for example, send out certain scent/fragrances (ferome?) that make young men feel attracted to them. When a female dog is in heat, just about all the dogs in the neighborhood know it and congregate around her.

Older women, apparently, loose the capacity to attract men. When a young man sees a fifty something year old woman, he is generally not thinking of sex; he is probably thinking of service and respect. But when he sees an eighteen to thirty five years old woman the first thing that he notices is her breasts and buttocks.

Sexual attraction is a biological thing; it is very powerful; it is one way nature designed to get the two genders together, so as to reproduce the species.

Sexual attraction is difficult to control with pure reason, for if it were easily controlled by our thoughts alone, many of us probably would not have children.

(Just think about the nature of being on earth: we are born, live in pain, suffer, age and die. Why would any one want to bring children to come suffer pain and then die? It would be callous to bring children to this world, this slaughterhouse. As Arthur Schopenhauer observed, human life seem a mistake that ought not to have been made.)

Boy has sex with girl. Spermatozoa are transferred from the male to the female; they pass through the vagina and travel to the fallopian tube, and if there is a released ovum, egg, fertilizes it and a new life begin.

Nine months later, what began as physical pleasure becomes pain, the enormous responsibility of raising a child. (The human child is the most dependent animal on earth. Without adults help no child can survive. In our current world parents’ responsibility is seldom over until the child is done with university education, which may drag into the mid twenties. Five minutes activity produces twenty-five years of responsibility.)

We are attracted to each other because we cannot not be attracted to each other. Without each other we feel incomplete. There is no such thing as an alone human being. Without other people we cannot survive and will die out.

Jesus said: where there are two of you, I am in your midst. This is a metaphoric way of saying that there must be two of us, for us to return to God.

No one can come to God alone. We come to God two by two, but never as individuated selves. Why so?

I will rehash a metaphysics that I arrived at only to find out that it is congruent with what Hinduism, Buddhism, Gnosticism and other philosophical religions teach. I teach it not because other religions tell me that it is true but because I independently reached it and know that it is true. You can make of it what you like. It is not my function to argue with you; my duty is to state the truth, as I see it, and leave you to decide whether it makes sense to you or not.

This story of creation is completely amenable to science. Elsewhere, I showed how current cosmology can be seen as the empirical rendition of this more poetic and metaphoric myth of origin.

Current cosmology hypothesizes that fifteen billion years ago all was concentrated in a ball the size of an atom, then exploded, Big Bang, and in nanoseconds particles were created and those evolved into atoms, who evolved into elements, who evolved into biological life forms.

You know that story and if you don’t you should have. Go study physics, chemistry and biology, those are critical for adapting to this material world. I am here talking about metaphysics, not physics.

Let us dispense with doubt and state the truth, as I see it. All of us, black and white, all human beings, and all living things are one. This is literal, not figurative. We are all parts of one family, God’s one family.

There is one God. God extended his one self to each of us. He is now himself, as well as us. God remains as God and yet is us. God is God and yet is in each of us.

God is creative and gives his extensions, his creations, his children, his creative power.

Each of us uses the creative power of God in him to create other children (of God). Creation has no beginning and no end.

True creation takes place in a non-material world, in what we might call the spiritual world.

God is spirit and creates in spirit. His children, in their true nature, are spirit and create in spirit.

In spirit God is in each of us and we are in him. Each of us is also in each of us. We are one self; we are one self with infinite selves, one mind with infinite minds.

Where one self ends and another begins is nowhere. Where God ends and his son begin is no where. We all share one self and one mind (mind is the agency for thinking).

In eternity, if you like, in heaven, we are all spirit and are in each other. There is no you and I, no subject and object, no seer and seen. All share oneself, the self of God; all share one mind, the mind of God.

Eternity remains as it is, but we wished to experience it’s opposite. Eternity is union and we wished to experience separation.

It is impossible for reality not to be unified. If separation were possible we would all die. God and his children would die out if separation where possible.

Separation is impossible and God and his children cannot die. God and his children are eternal and immortal.

What the children of God could not achieve in spiritual reality they dreamed. As it were, we cast what Hinduism calls Maya, spell, magic on us, and went to sleep and dream. That dream is that we are separated from God and from each other. In that dream we see different persons who seem not us.

(In Hinduism, it is Brahman, God that cast Maya on himself and dreamed that he is separated from his sons, Atmans. In the dream, Brahman/Atman now sees himself as separated self, an ego, Ahankara. The objective of religion is to enable the ego, Jivatman, human beings, to realize that, in truth, they are unified. When they try meditation and go into Samadhi, they break through the illusion of separation, Moksha, and return to heaven, Brahmaloka, to oneness, to Brahman, to self realization.)

For our present purposes, in the world, we see men and women.

Man and woman now seem different from each other. Indeed, they seem unequal. Men have the delusion that they are superior to women. (Actually, in IQ tests, women, on the average, tend to score higher than men. Never mind delusional thinking. The truth is that we all, men and women, black and white, are the same and are coequal.)

The world is the dream of differences and inequality. Each of us sees himself more different from others, and as better than other persons.

In God, in eternity, in heaven, in oneness, we are the same and are equal. We wished to experience the opposite of our heavenly reality hence see ourselves in a place where there seem differences and inequality.

The world is a dream of specialness, a dream of inferiority and superiority. In this world, some play the role of inferiority and some play the role of superiority.

Until recently, whites used to fancy themselves superior to blacks and black Americans used to play the role of being inferior to whites.

(The role African Americans played is amazing, for in Africa itself, we had it the other way round. My grand father, Osuji, until he died, considered himself superior to white persons; he even doubted that they were true human beings. During my neurotic period, if a white man disobeyed me I felt furious at him. This is the nature of neurosis. Folks can believe in what is not true as true and behave as such.)

In truth all the races are the same and are equal. I am not speculating, I am stating the truth. Take it or leave it. Actually, you cannot leave it, for truth is not up to you to decide what it is. What you can do is decide when you will accept the truth. The truth remains the truth, even as you delude yourself with the belief that what is not true is true.

What is the truth? The truth is that we are all unified and are the same and equal.

God permits his children to dream all they want. He does so because he knows that dreams do not change reality. We are always unified and equal; we can dream that we are separated and unequal. Dreams do not alter reality.

In the meantime, dreamers can have happy or nightmarish dreams. God wants us to have a happy dream.

To have a happy dream, we must dream with love and forgiveness. In the dream, in the temporal universe we see men and women. There are no such persons as men and women. Male and female are illusions.

Illusion or not that is what we see. Okay, go ahead and see what you see. You are dreaming. Now make your dream a lovely one. Love the dream figures in your dream. Love every person in your dream. Overlook their mistakes and errors and if possible correct them. (The function of the Holy Spirit is to correct our mistakes, not to perpetuate them.)

In as much as we are in eternity unified, on earth, we cannot feel complete unless we have some semblance of union. We must come together to seem complete. Man must be attracted to woman and vice verse, for both of them to seem complete.
We are conceived by a man and a woman. For nine months we lived in our mothers’ wombs hence still feel one with another person. Then we are born and begin the separation process.

For twelve or more years we live in families and are really not separated from other people. In adolescence we begin the final push to separate from other people.

Alas we cannot be separated from other people, so we experience powerful urges to be with the opposite sex. The force at work here is the desire to unify with our other half, so as to feel completed.

We must be attracted to each other otherwise we would completely separate from each other. If we were completely separated from each other we would not exist.

You are smart and want to complicate this overly simplistic metaphor of mine, eh? You point out that some folks are attracted to persons of their own gender.

We know as a matter of scientific fact that in every norm there is standard deviation. There are two percent super bright people and two percent super dull people. By the same token, there are two percent homosexual persons.

Deviation from the norm is a fact of life. Homosexuals exist. They seem odious. Just thinking about what these folks do makes one want to vomit. Imagine a man putting his penis into a man’s anus and calling that behavior sex. One must be genetically programmed to do such an awful thing. Love must overlook what these folks do and love the Christ in them.

Human beings are choice making creatures. They are a defiant bunch. We came to this world in defiance of God’s will. God wills union and we desired separation. The world is a place where the children of God came to seem to have their wishes done. It is therefore understandable that some people defy what seems natural sexuality.

Whatever exists must have its opposite. Say white and black must come into being. If heterosexuality exists, its opposite, homosexuality, must exist. It is the nature of being on earth for human beings to defy whatever is.

A rational person does not waste his time and energy fighting the various human deviances. As long as two adult men or women choose to do whatever they do, let them be.

Where we cannot have tolerance is in the abuse of children. Children cannot make adult choices. If an adult superimposes his perverted sexual will on children he should be arrested and kept in jail for however long it takes for him to purge that dastardly wish from his warped mind. (In traditional African societies, sexual deviants were killed.)

Sexual attraction brings men and women together. The real task before us is how-to get men and women to love on another.

In my judgment, whereas it is possible to reach the truth through pure reason, we need religion to help us learn that we are the children of one family and that we ought to love one another.

Love is the only thing that truly counts in this world. Everything else is transitory and ephemeral. Love those around you.

Love is not of body but of spirit and mind. Love the real self in people, the spirit in people, and the unified self in all of us.


I could have told you what Sigmund Freud and other secular thinkers said about sexual attraction. I did not do so because over time, I learned that only love is our healer. You can concentrate on sex all you want but sooner or later you will learn that sex is fleeting and, indeed, addictive. It does not satisfy. What satisfies is love between a man and a woman?

Do you truly love your spouse? Do you know what love is? To love is to unify with. To unify with another person you must see her/him as the same as you and as equal with you.

You must respect your spouse. You must work for your mutual welfare. This is true love, not the romantic or libido attraction that initially brings boy and girl together.

Love and everything you do is right. But if you do not love everything you do is wrong.

To sin is to not love another person.

To be holy is to love other people and yourself. You cannot love others unless you love yourself; you cannot give to others what you do not have; you can only give what you have. If you love you, you can love others, if you hate you, you will hate other persons.

Love makes the world right. Love makes living on earth peaceful and happy. Love banishes darkness; love is light, hate is darkness. Love is union with the loved object.

Finally, there is nothing wrong with sex. It is, however, advisable to limit ones sexual activity to one partner, preferably, to a partner one is married to. For one thing, such behavior would reduce the likelihood of your contracting sexually transmitted diseases. If you give yourself permission to have many sexual partners, you have chosen to have gonorrhea, syphilis, Herpes, HIV-AIDS; you have chosen to kill you. That is your choice.

If you choose to live a decent life, you ought to limit your sexual activity to monogamous heterosexual marriage settings.

Posted by Administrator at April 4, 2006 01:00 AM


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